The midnight ride to an old place!

The smell of the incense from that factory on the way to our old house is still as intense. And so familiar, that it hits you.

The road at this hour with canopy of trees is still as beautiful. The March flowers have overstayed. And they look as inviting as ever.

That house where you once lived was all dark. There was fresh paint but it lacked life.

Someone else lives in "our" house now. The windows that you always wanted to shut, was wide open. The way I liked. Hall Lights were on. The way we never liked.

The dogs haven't decreased in number. Mysteriously, they haven't increased either. They were getting friendly. Strange, we never liked them

The hawker near the auto stand en route the ring road, where we used to frequent for midnight tea was there tonight. I didn't buy. He nodded

Those familiar roads, the doors of the shops, they all seemed happy to see me. They also seemed to question, why alone, where is he?

The ground, yes, that ground where you confessed your betrayal, around the same time as now, but a different night, still looks soulless.

Everything is same. Yet, everything has changed. We were part of it once. What happened to "us" and the "forever" plans !

The lump in my throat. What was that for? Was it for the house, roads, doors, the tea vendor, the dogs, the canopy, the flowers? Or for us?

I went back to the incense factory. To get a whiff. To carry the scent home. You used to smell of it. All the time.

I bought your scent home. 

To live; To Die

Many a lives I have lived in this one Lifetime

This one Life that I call as mine

Have died a thousand deaths; in mere some years
When thousand suns shone; have shed a million tears

How much has fit into this Life?

How much have I lost? What are my gains?
I can still smile, and dance when it rains.

That is all there is. That is all there ever will be.
That is all I need.

To live again. To die again.  

Closure

Meet me there where you left me;
Meet me there, when you need need me.

For I will be there, knowing you will come
You will find me, waiting for you.

and then when you come, I shall bid you good-bye
My love, we do deserve our closure. 

Let me Be

What if I don't want to be with anyone?

What if I didn't feel like meeting anyone?

What if I didn't really care if I end up alone?

I am nauseated by all that love.

I am done with that love which suffocated the relationship.

For now, I just want to be.

So, let me be, may be?

You are constantly asking me to settle down and you call it your concern?

You keep insisting I hook up and tell me that you care?

If you really care, you'd see that I am hurting.

If you are really concerned you'd let me be.

If I am destined to be alone, alone I shall end up.

If I am meant to meet someone, I will, eventually.

For now, please let me mourn my past. I need to.

Please let me be.

Moving On!

So I have finally moved on.

No, by moving on, I do not imply that your thoughts won’t cross my mind.

By moving on, I do not imply that it does not hurt any more.

By moving on, I do not imply that I will forget all about you.

How can I? Those were precious years. There were bitter times too.

But we had too many beautiful moments that outnumber the sour moments.

I was a girl when I met you. With you, I grew to be a woman.

I might still be a little lost, but I also found a part of me that I did not know existed.

With you, I evolved as a person. I believe you grew with me too.

So no, I cannot forget you. Ever.

The fact that there is no “US” anymore will not stop hurting me.

The intensity will eventually reduce.

I know it has.

The wound may heal. The pain will remain.

For I did love you, with all abandon.

Yes. I have moved on.

By moving on, I mean that I have now acknowledged our paths have changed.

By moving on, I mean that I have realized that we won’t grow old together.

By moving on, I mean that I have finally accepted that you and I are not meant to be.

By moving on, I mean that I now admit that there is no “US”.

But I have moved on.

I have moved on because I made my peace with the break-up.

I have moved on because I no longer carry any hope for “US”.

I have moved on because finally I am willing to live a life without you.

Remember? There was time when we thought nothing in the world could separate us?

Remember? You once told me that I will be all right and I will be better?

Yes, my tears wouldn’t stop, and there you were, saying things like:  “One day you’ll stop crying my bear. One day you’ll be happy that I left.

…… . .  .  .    .     .

I have stopped crying.

But am I happy that you left? I still choke up when I am reminiscing our moments together.

That will stay.

But I have stopped crying. I have learnt to live knowing that you are no longer part of my life.

I still find a reason to smile. I laugh. I dance.

I have, moved on.

But I will always love you

B

Ephemeral Serendipity

More often than not, we come across people (some), by CHANCE, without any intent of meeting, without any reason. Yet when we meet them, they change our lives. They touch in a way that leaves you changed from within.

Do I believe in co-incidences? Not too long ago, I'd have said, without batting an eye lid that I DO NOT. But now, I do. I do believe in co-incidences as in serendipity and that there is a purpose for every person to be at such place at such time. May be to make someone realise their true worth, or to make them realise how strong or how weak they are.  And before you even realize it, accidentally some people would have changed the course of your life.

CHANGE IN PERCEPTION

I met one such person, who without even being aware of it, changed the way I looked at my life and changed a lot of my perceptions. I let go of my rigidity in certain aspects and thoughts, all thanks to him. I am no more a moral police, all thanks to him. I do not judge people for the choices they make, all thanks to him. For who knows, maybe I would one day make the same choice. Thanks to these changes, one thing that hurt me the most at one point of time, does not even matter to me any more.

I want to  tell him that IT FEELS AWESOME TO HAVE MET HIM.....but in comparison to what he did to me, without even realizing that he did so, all my words would still fall short.

THANKS G, for empowering me. Yes, I am so glad that our paths crossed and we met accidentally. I am, however not sad that we are not in touch any more. Who knows what limits you’d have pushed, what liberties you (or I) would take. I am just happy that you brought a sea of changes in me.

Serendipity indeed, ephemeral however.

B

 (PS: Images were googled)

A Dead Night (December 19, 2011)

End of day was so swift, that I didn't notice the drift to night.

Night! Oh so young night, so young and so long... Silent night.

In the dead of the night, in the silence of the night, why?? Why do you make so much noise in my head?!!

Memories are like floods, the gates crash and they flow.. So vivid and so cruel!!!

MEMORIES kill .. Memories KILL me !!

Memories of what "has been" and the reality of what "isn't", memories!! They kill me, cut through me like a dagger.

I die each night, every time...

Its DEATH by memories...

By the dawn of "what it ought to be" and "what it isn't" ...