The little pleasures

The little pleasures !!!

At what age does one stop acting reckless in Love? Or something very similar to Love? 

Vienna (The Magic)

VIENNA.

It is my dream destination. Along with Venice (a place I am fascinated with because it is surrounded by water)

But if I had to pick one place, I’d pick Vienna, Austria.

Most people would pick a place for it appeals to them and if Vienna is their choice, it’d most probably be because it is the “City of Dreams”, “City of Music” and of course, Danube !

But I pick Vienna for a very different reason. My reason is a book. A book by Betty Neels titled “Magic In Vienna” (Oh please give me a break, I had just started high School when I read it and Harlequin romances are allowed at that age). Though the book by itself is not “mind blowing”, I am very emotionally attached to it.

I did not have much time with my parents and I have always wanted to learn things about them. There are a lot of stories about my father that are told even today. His pranks, how he charmed everyone etc and about mother, it’s always;” she was very quiet, loving and read a lot”.  When I started High school, 2 huge gunny sacks were brought down from the attic and given to me.

My mother’s collection of Novels.

I hadn't pegged Amma as someone who enjoyed reading English novels much less M&B / Harlequin. Much to my amazement, there in that stack of wonderful Kannada Novels, were 2 English Novels. One was “Magic In Vienna”. Incidentally, it was also my first English Novel as I had only read Kannada till then.

It was after reading “Magic in Vienna”, that I decided to travel to Vienna and Venice, at least once in this lifetime. I know how I visualized Vienna when I was reading the book. It is illogical but I have this feeling that Amma felt very similar too. Amma would want to visit too but couldn’t because she did not live to.

It might me being desperate to feel her presence but that is how it is. I want to go there and feel the City and then tell Amma, “Look, here we are!” (Please don’t think I am a loony but yes a belief seeped into my mind in my formative years that Amma is with me when I read fictions and is waiting for me to take her to Vienna)

Sigh. I want to go to Vienna for Amma. For myself. For us. To feel that she is still around me and to tell her that “We made it. We are seeing what Cordelia saw when she first landed in Vienna” 

Sadly, the book was lost thanks to my brother who threw a whole lot because they were infested with Carpet Beetles/Cigarrete Beetles and Booklice. I wish I was home to stop him. But then.... 

The midnight ride to an old place!

The smell of the incense from that factory on the way to our old house is still as intense. And so familiar, that it hits you.

The road at this hour with canopy of trees is still as beautiful. The March flowers have overstayed. And they look as inviting as ever.

That house where you once lived was all dark. There was fresh paint but it lacked life.

Someone else lives in "our" house now. The windows that you always wanted to shut, was wide open. The way I liked. Hall Lights were on. The way we never liked.

The dogs haven't decreased in number. Mysteriously, they haven't increased either. They were getting friendly. Strange, we never liked them

The hawker near the auto stand en route the ring road, where we used to frequent for midnight tea was there tonight. I didn't buy. He nodded

Those familiar roads, the doors of the shops, they all seemed happy to see me. They also seemed to question, why alone, where is he?

The ground, yes, that ground where you confessed your betrayal, around the same time as now, but a different night, still looks soulless.

Everything is same. Yet, everything has changed. We were part of it once. What happened to "us" and the "forever" plans !

The lump in my throat. What was that for? Was it for the house, roads, doors, the tea vendor, the dogs, the canopy, the flowers? Or for us?

I went back to the incense factory. To get a whiff. To carry the scent home. You used to smell of it. All the time.

I bought your scent home. 

To live; To Die

Many a lives I have lived in this one Lifetime

This one Life that I call as mine

Have died a thousand deaths; in mere some years
When thousand suns shone; have shed a million tears

How much has fit into this Life?

How much have I lost? What are my gains?
I can still smile, and dance when it rains.

That is all there is. That is all there ever will be.
That is all I need.

To live again. To die again.  

Closure

Meet me there where you left me;
Meet me there, when you need need me.

For I will be there, knowing you will come
You will find me, waiting for you.

and then when you come, I shall bid you good-bye
My love, we do deserve our closure. 

Let me Be

What if I don't want to be with anyone?

What if I didn't feel like meeting anyone?

What if I didn't really care if I end up alone?

I am nauseated by all that love.

I am done with that love which suffocated the relationship.

For now, I just want to be.

So, let me be, may be?

You are constantly asking me to settle down and you call it your concern?

You keep insisting I hook up and tell me that you care?

If you really care, you'd see that I am hurting.

If you are really concerned you'd let me be.

If I am destined to be alone, alone I shall end up.

If I am meant to meet someone, I will, eventually.

For now, please let me mourn my past. I need to.

Please let me be.

Moving On!

So I have finally moved on.

No, by moving on, I do not imply that your thoughts won’t cross my mind.

By moving on, I do not imply that it does not hurt any more.

By moving on, I do not imply that I will forget all about you.

How can I? Those were precious years. There were bitter times too.

But we had too many beautiful moments that outnumber the sour moments.

I was a girl when I met you. With you, I grew to be a woman.

I might still be a little lost, but I also found a part of me that I did not know existed.

With you, I evolved as a person. I believe you grew with me too.

So no, I cannot forget you. Ever.

The fact that there is no “US” anymore will not stop hurting me.

The intensity will eventually reduce.

I know it has.

The wound may heal. The pain will remain.

For I did love you, with all abandon.

Yes. I have moved on.

By moving on, I mean that I have now acknowledged our paths have changed.

By moving on, I mean that I have realized that we won’t grow old together.

By moving on, I mean that I have finally accepted that you and I are not meant to be.

By moving on, I mean that I now admit that there is no “US”.

But I have moved on.

I have moved on because I made my peace with the break-up.

I have moved on because I no longer carry any hope for “US”.

I have moved on because finally I am willing to live a life without you.

Remember? There was time when we thought nothing in the world could separate us?

Remember? You once told me that I will be all right and I will be better?

Yes, my tears wouldn’t stop, and there you were, saying things like:  “One day you’ll stop crying my bear. One day you’ll be happy that I left.

…… . .  .  .    .     .

I have stopped crying.

But am I happy that you left? I still choke up when I am reminiscing our moments together.

That will stay.

But I have stopped crying. I have learnt to live knowing that you are no longer part of my life.

I still find a reason to smile. I laugh. I dance.

I have, moved on.

But I will always love you

B