Wait for me

I am at times loving, Caring and full of warmth
I am at times full of spite when those who I love are hurt
I cry thinking of the people I love and the trials they are facing
I laugh hard at a silly joke cos it was shared by someone I love
I dance dreaming thinking of someone dancing with me
I am happy knowing that someone I love is happy
I smile thinking of the happiness that has been blessed on people I love
I feel smouldered with love by way too many people around
And then suddenly I feel ALONE
Without rhyme or reason. . 
I feel lonely
I feel helpless when I cannot do anything to comfort someone
I feel like there's no purpose
I feel lost
I feel like I am living a lie
I get angry.. 
I won't know why
Then I suddenly miss my mother
I see a father talking to his daughterAnd I feel I was cheated by life
A 1000 small things around me remind me of my mother, 
I feel like killing them all
I remember someone who walked into my life and gave me love 
filled me with confidence & made me forget about what I missed 
so much so that it made me miss my parents a little lesser
Then it hits me that someone walked away. 
Leaving me alone. Cheating me. 
Hurting me for no fault of mine.
That moment, I sink. 
I turn insane. 
I become a different person.
At such times, please bear me. 
Please say you won't abandon me
Wait for me. 
Wait for me because I will come back to my senses 
and be the happy smiling girl you know.

The woman in me needs to cry so that she moves on 
and faces the world with her strong face on
The woman in me needs you to know her as she is.
Hurt, vulnerable yet strong and loving.

Wait for me.I will smile again
Wait for me.I will forget all this bitterness, again.

I forgot what I had to say

What is this obsession with people these days?

Everyone around you is so self obsessed. Screaming at the top of their voice, “I AM AWESOME”

Err, if you really were that awesome, you needn’t have to repeat it so often.

Then there is another bunch of people who are always self-deprecating. Yeah right, belittle yourself so it doesn’t hurt when others criticise you.

Oh wait, maybe I really should not be writing this. I often indulge in this obscene obsession, either calling myself “awesome” or cringing. (Hey, just so you know, when you guys think I am being self deprecating, honestly I am merely stating facts. I wouldn't put myself down if I thought any better of myself). But write, I shall.

(and just like that I lost my train of thought :/ What was it that I wanted to say?)

The little pleasures

The little pleasures !!!

At what age does one stop acting reckless in Love? Or something very similar to Love? 

Vienna (The Magic)

VIENNA.

It is my dream destination. Along with Venice (a place I am fascinated with because it is surrounded by water)

But if I had to pick one place, I’d pick Vienna, Austria.

Most people would pick a place for it appeals to them and if Vienna is their choice, it’d most probably be because it is the “City of Dreams”, “City of Music” and of course, Danube !

But I pick Vienna for a very different reason. My reason is a book. A book by Betty Neels titled “Magic In Vienna” (Oh please give me a break, I had just started high School when I read it and Harlequin romances are allowed at that age). Though the book by itself is not “mind blowing”, I am very emotionally attached to it.

I did not have much time with my parents and I have always wanted to learn things about them. There are a lot of stories about my father that are told even today. His pranks, how he charmed everyone etc and about mother, it’s always;” she was very quiet, loving and read a lot”.  When I started High school, 2 huge gunny sacks were brought down from the attic and given to me.

My mother’s collection of Novels.

I hadn't pegged Amma as someone who enjoyed reading English novels much less M&B / Harlequin. Much to my amazement, there in that stack of wonderful Kannada Novels, were 2 English Novels. One was “Magic In Vienna”. Incidentally, it was also my first English Novel as I had only read Kannada till then.

It was after reading “Magic in Vienna”, that I decided to travel to Vienna and Venice, at least once in this lifetime. I know how I visualized Vienna when I was reading the book. It is illogical but I have this feeling that Amma felt very similar too. Amma would want to visit too but couldn’t because she did not live to.

It might me being desperate to feel her presence but that is how it is. I want to go there and feel the City and then tell Amma, “Look, here we are!” (Please don’t think I am a loony but yes a belief seeped into my mind in my formative years that Amma is with me when I read fictions and is waiting for me to take her to Vienna)

Sigh. I want to go to Vienna for Amma. For myself. For us. To feel that she is still around me and to tell her that “We made it. We are seeing what Cordelia saw when she first landed in Vienna” 

Sadly, the book was lost thanks to my brother who threw a whole lot because they were infested with Carpet Beetles/Cigarrete Beetles and Booklice. I wish I was home to stop him. But then.... 

The midnight ride to an old place!

The smell of the incense from that factory on the way to our old house is still as intense. And so familiar, that it hits you.

The road at this hour with canopy of trees is still as beautiful. The March flowers have overstayed. And they look as inviting as ever.

That house where you once lived was all dark. There was fresh paint but it lacked life.

Someone else lives in "our" house now. The windows that you always wanted to shut, was wide open. The way I liked. Hall Lights were on. The way we never liked.

The dogs haven't decreased in number. Mysteriously, they haven't increased either. They were getting friendly. Strange, we never liked them

The hawker near the auto stand en route the ring road, where we used to frequent for midnight tea was there tonight. I didn't buy. He nodded

Those familiar roads, the doors of the shops, they all seemed happy to see me. They also seemed to question, why alone, where is he?

The ground, yes, that ground where you confessed your betrayal, around the same time as now, but a different night, still looks soulless.

Everything is same. Yet, everything has changed. We were part of it once. What happened to "us" and the "forever" plans !

The lump in my throat. What was that for? Was it for the house, roads, doors, the tea vendor, the dogs, the canopy, the flowers? Or for us?

I went back to the incense factory. To get a whiff. To carry the scent home. You used to smell of it. All the time.

I bought your scent home.